Samantha Brick and Mary Beard have something in common – they are each passionate about a special subject. Beard is an expert on that most influential of civilisations – Ancient Rome. And Brick? Well she's at it again. Banging on and on about her incomparable beauty. I'd actually love to tap her on the head to see if she makes a) a hollow clunk because she's just shallow or b) a dull thud because she's thick.
Brick has tottered in on her heels to the current controversy over Mary Beard's appearance. Beard, you see, is a history professor who looks a bit like, well, a history professor. In her TV series, Meet The Romans, she pedals around the Eternal City like a spider-legged Madame Arcati clambering overground and underground, sweeping things to get a better look at them, carting bits of ancient marble around – her intention, she said, was to make Rome speak and that's exactly what she's done, sweeping the viewer along on a tsunami of knowledge equalled only by infectious enthusiasm. But why on earth am I talking about a TV show that could actually teach us something when the more pressing subject of Mary Beard's appearance is still of utmost importance? Her long unfettered grey hair, so-called 'tombstone teeth', the wild expressions. Beard's uniform is some sort of shapeless black shift worn over a pair of dusty leggings and accompanied by a crimson raincoat. If someone hadn't pointed it out in the first place I wouldn't have blinked an eyelid at Mary Beard's appearance. She looks exactly like she should. Naturally, Brick has a problem with it. You see, it appears she had a Very Important Job once, in Television and that means she must know these things. She was even 'urged' once to have a career in front of the camera, apparently. Oh, how we have been denied. Poor appearance is a 'visual impediment' to a career apparently. Investing in your face is investing in your future. Such insight. “While there is no denying that Ms Beard is a supremely intelligent and fiercely ambitious woman, there is absolutely no chance of her becoming a successful broadcaster in prime-time slots on flagship TV channels”, continues the oracle that is Brick. “The plain truth is that Ms Beard is too ugly for TV”. She's absolutely right of course. There's no denying that the Professor of Classics at Cambridge and Classics Editor at the Times Literary Supplement would never get a job fronting something prime-time and educational like, say, Take Me Out or The Love Machine. If Brick had her way, it seems, all TV presenters would be a composite of Cat Deely, Tess Daly and Holly Willoughby. Stunning, slim, well-dressed and perfectly turned out blondes. Just like....... I'm not sure, however, if Meet the Romans with Samantha Brick would work very well. Ancient artefacts would just crumble when confronted with her assets. Frescoes would flake, the vomitorium would evaporate. Those Romans aren't prepared for such radiance you know. You didn't see that particular ancient civilisation getting into a tussle over Helen of Troy. Best to get rid of all non-amazing TV presenters then. In that case, most of RTE could just clear their desks. Marty Morrissey would probably be imprisoned under the Brick regime. Perhaps she'd let some people stay? Bryan Dobson maybe, but only if he agreed to be filmed in silhouette with a distorted voice. Like a terrorist. Or someone who's given all his friends food poisoning at his barbeque. It's such a shame to write about Mary Beard in the context of her appearance and because Brick has been goaded into passing her vapid, attention-seeking 'judgement' on a woman who has more appeal in her gnarled, dusty, broken-nailed little finger than Brick has in her entire body. If we're going to judge books by covers then I know who I'd rather see striding into the lecture hall on Day One of my history degree. And I certainly know who'd be more fun on a night out. In Episode Two of Meet The Romans, Beard quotes Tiberius Claudius Secundus who says that “Baths, wine and sex ruin your body”. She turns to the camera with a grin and continues; “But they're what makes life really worth living”. It's unclear whether or not she's still quoting old Tiberius but her filthy snigger definitely shows that she agrees. Brick's not an original of course. Women with overinflated opinions of themselves have existed even in ancient Roman times. The irony of Beard reading from another of her dusty marble slabs about a character who called herself 'Madame Gorgeous' doesn't go unnoticed. And she's gracious too. Beard has continued to urge viewers to simply watch the show – after all it's her passion and she's put time, effort and real love into making it. And as for the comments about her appearance? Beard says she's not going to lose any sleep over what she's deemed a 'silly fuss'. Clever lady.
1 Comment
I'm all for history. I'm all for making the most of opportunity. I'm all for exercising choice but it's impossible not to be unsettled when hearing someone make the following statement: 'I have been educated out of the natural reproductive function'. Come on Dr Lucy Worsley, give us a break!
Dr Lucy is a leading historian, chief curator for the Historic Royal Palaces in the UK, has a degree and a PhD. She is pretty, slim and is knee deep in booksmarts but no matter how I admire her achievements and want to give her the benefit of the doubt, her statements in an interview last week, in or out of context, just leave me cold. The good Doctor is childless by choice. Good for her. When she says “I just had other priorities with what I wanted to do with my time”, then that's absolutely fine. Contrary to common belief those of us who have reproduced – or intend to – don't frown disapprovingly on our sisters who have decided otherwise. I'm not going wag a finger and tell them they're doomed to a life of miserable solitude in their old age or that they'll always feel unfulfilled, apparently. I won't warn them that their cats won't make them bedtime cocoa – my children probably won't either - quite frankly they'll probably just give me headaches bickering over who's going to get the silver teapot. However, to hint that you've had just too much schooling to waste it on bearing offspring is just not on. Worsley adds that not having children by choice is a “...counter-cultural thing to do. And I quite enjoy being part of a beleaguered minority” - does that mean that she gets a kick out of being castigated by all us 'breeders' and our parental-based judgement? Oh come on, Doc! You say 'counter-cultural' like it's the suffragette movement, or punk but all it is, is your business and I have no problem with you minding it, but please don't inflict intellectual snobbery on us or play on some perceived victim status. Don't be that girl. Don't feed the ignorant perception out there that parents, especially working ones, are snot-covered, puree-caked, frazzled, judgmental, demented, disorganised, screechy, forgetful, exhausted and a danger to ourselves and society. That by exercising our right to reproduce we have dropped our educations into a teeming nappy bin and put our brains in the freezer. I wonder if super-achieving mums like Michelle Obama, Miriam O'Callaghan, Mary Robinson, Aung San Suu Kyi and Worsley's fellow TV historian Mary Beard would agree? The truth is that regardless of background, having children is an uncredited fourth-level education. There is no-one more organised, sharp, and well-prepared than someone who spends their days staying one step ahead of children who are literally wily, manipulative, self-centred and downright clever. The degree modules include: Negotiation (with the Acutely Unreasonable), Blue-sky thinking, Improvisation (suggested reading includes 'Dealing with the Woodsman' by Snow White), Acting, the Art of Storytelling, Nutrition and Digestion, Technical Studies (including buggies, cots, tiny pig figures, one-piece sleepsuits), Athletics (leave Bolt spinning in your tailwind at the distant cry of 'potty!'), Comedy, Diagnostics, Medicine (Calpol or A&E?), Con Artistry, Advanced Interpretation and Development of Psychic Skills, Choices, Morals, and Life-Affecting Decision Making. Don't tell me that you don't need some sort of brains to raise children. To state the obvious, as if having children wasn't challenge enough, many of us do a day job, try to improve our lot and pursue interests either for future benefit or just to keep sane – we're just people with small and large children who are handing in theses, studying until the small hours, running marathons, singing in choirs, contributing to book clubs, getting fit, acquiring new skills, writing creatively. We're all just doing our best and making the most of our chosen paths – just like Lucy Worsley. “I get to spend my time doing things I enjoy”, says Worsley. Again, good for her. But just because I've embraced the 'natural reproductive function' doesn't mean that I don't. I chose to have children. I enjoy making them laugh helplessly, enjoy seeing their delight at new achievement, I enjoy a Johnson's-scented cuddle. I will never punch the air as hard as I did when I finally managed to potty train a disinterested three-year-old. I also enjoy books, TV, movies, good food, solitude and a full, hot cup of coffee. And when my children have grown then maybe I'll enjoy getting my own history PhD or maybe I'll just chill out – those choices are still open to me. And if having children isn't your choice – if devoting it to further education is - then that's absolutely fantastic. Just don't get all superior because your intellectual purity remains unsullied by so much as a possety shoulderblade. I thank my lucky stars every day for my children and my choices and if yours is not to have them, then thank yours too - not everyone is fortunate enough to have those choices in the first place. |
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