Do ya think I'm sexy? Well no, actually...

And so the Glamour list of the 50 Sexiest Men 2012 is up on the noticeboard and I have to admit it’s giving me urges: There’s a Kerryman at number four in the shape of Michael Fassbender; War Horse star, Tom Hiddleston, is at two;  ‘Shameless’ star James McAvoy at nine. Oh yes, there’s urges alright. To make some soup, take some temperatures, force feed them casseroles and knit them woolly jumpers. Because for 2012, it seems that sick is the new sexy.

Okay, for the most part they’re just a bit peaky. Slightly off colour. In need of a Sanatogen. The word ‘sick’ should be reserved for the holder of the number one slot. The person for whom the majority of over 40,000 voters plumped. The sexiest man in the world for the second year running. A man who looks so ill, I’m not even sure whatever’s he’s got is still catchable in the twenty first century.  Method vampire actor, Robert ‘Pale’ Pattinson.

At 12, there’s Ian Somerhalder who also plays a vampire; Taylor Lautner who plays a werewolf in some vampire movies; Alexander Skarsgard - you can see where I’m going with this.  Obviously it’s hot to be undead.  And immeasurably intense-looking. The majority of the top twenty look as though they couldn’t even bring themselves to attempt a bit of frisk because they’re so busy staring into the middle distance, brooding, then taking a sigh break before returning to brooding.

There’s a distinct absence of the traditional favourites - no Clooney or Pitt. Depp is third but even he’s not all that much fun since he morphed into an elderly Japanese lady. There’s lots of terrifyingly worked-at muscle but no sporting types - the first sighting of anyone who looks like they’ve as much as played keepy-uppy is at ten with Henry Cavill followed by Cory Monteith from Glee. There’s lots of chiselled beauty of course, and stubble and cheekbones you could shave parmesan with, but not a lot of sexy giggling potential. No one who might put their underpants on their head and do a funny dance - Robert Downey Jnr (6), perhaps. Definitely not Tom Hardy (20). As fine a physical example of manhood as you’re ever likely to lay eyes upon. But quite frankly terrifying.

Of course there are names in there that tickle my fancy - I’m a Cumberbitch (Position five) and that’s okay. There’s Firth and Tennant. Let’s skip, however, over all of One Direction, shall we? And hope that, at 49, Bieber’s might drop off the edge next year. Because let’s face it, the urge to spit on a tissue to wash a guy’s cheek is an urge too far. And, funnily enough, not all that sexy.

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